by LaBrena Friend, LGSW

2013 is a year that will forever be etched into my heart and mind. In March 2013, I turned 30. In July 2013, I walked down the aisle of the church my grandfather helped build to marry my husband before God, our friends, and family. On August 25, 2013, my entire world came crashing down as my mom passed away. She died just six weeks after I was married, and her passing was completely unexpected. On August 31, 2013, I found myself speaking in front of hundreds of people at my mom’s Homegoing Service. I remember reflecting on my mother’s love and the legacy she left behind. My brother preached our mother’s eulogy, entitled Keep Living, but I soon realized nobody tells you how difficult—and joyful—it can be to “Keep Living.”

Many of us know about the stages of grief. We all must walk through them. However, nobody tells you that grief comes in waves. Sometimes the waves of grief are gentle, but at other times, the grief feels like you’re being pulled into a rip current. Nobody tells you the waves of grief come and go just like the waves on a beach. Most importantly, nobody tells you the waves of grief will always be there, some years coming in gently and other years coming in like a hurricane. So, what do you do when the waves come? How do you find purpose amid grief?

1. Embrace the Wave—Whether the wave of grief is gentle or a rip current, just embrace it. It’s okay to not be okay when the wave comes, and sometimes it hits out of nowhere. Embracing the wave means acknowledging your feelings, giving voice to your emotions, and knowing you can survive the next wave.
2. Know Where Your Lifeguard and Life Vests Are—This means knowing where your help comes from. Sometimes, amid a “grief wave,” we need support to keep from drowning. Just because you need support doesn’t mean you’re not capable; it simply means you’re choosing to live and not be taken over by the wave. Your Lifeguard and Life Vests may come from your faith, family, friends, attending the Grief Support Group and/or the JFF meetings at CJFS. Your Lifeguard may also be one of the wonderful therapists here at CJFS, who can support you and give you the tools to embrace the wave.
3. Finding Purpose—I know what you’re thinking: How do I find purpose and joy when I’ve just lost someone I loved? Finding purpose is, in its own way, the last stage of grief, but it can be the hardest stage. Finding purpose can feel like a betrayal, as though moving forward and finding joy after a loss somehow dishonors the person you loved. But it is necessary. Finding purpose will look different for each person, and it’s something you define for yourself. For me, several years after losing my mom, I created “The Phyllis Friend Mother of the Year Award.” This award is given to mothers who embody the motherly characteristics of my own mom. The award has brought great meaning and purpose to my life, along with the joy of seeing recipients understand my grief journey and the purpose behind the award. Finding purpose for you may simply look like getting out of bed each day, understanding the meaning of your loss and how to move forward, or being able to support others when they lose someone in their lives. However you choose to find purpose, just know it’s okay to find purpose amid grief and to experience joy again.

Grief is not something we “get over”—it is something we learn to carry as we continue to live. The waves may never completely stop, but with each one, we become stronger, more resilient, and more aware that we do not have to face them alone. As you embrace each wave, lean on your Lifeguards and Life Vests, and discover your own purpose, I hope you find the strength to keep living—and, in time, to find joy again.

If you or a loved one is struggling with grief, loss, or other life challenges, a CJFS counselor is here to help guide you through. Call 205.879.3438 to schedule an appointment or visit cjfsbham.org/counseling/