Amy Neiman, LMSW
The other day I was scrolling on social media and started counting how many posts were titled, “how to get rid of anxiety,” “how to fix your anxiety,” or “anxiety – go away.” In the few minutes I was looking, there were 12 such posts. Now, granted, my algorithm is likely geared toward mental health posts given that I am a social worker, but I was interested in the wording used when speaking about anxiety. It is presented as BAD. Period. Anxiety is something we should shed, and as quickly as possible. But I’ve started thinking about anxiety in new terms.
I do a lot of reading, learning, and teaching about anxiety. I help children develop coping skills such as deep breathing, calming methods, and grounding. I work closely with parents regarding how they can help their children sit with the discomfort of anxiety. I assist adults in rethinking their own methods of managing anxiety. I work with anxiety every day, and my message has shifted from “get rid of anxiety” to “manage and flourish with anxiety.”
Yes, there are people who experience severe anxiety which can debilitate them in many areas of their lives, but for the most part, the anxiety that we read about, experience ourselves, and see in our family members is manageable. We just don’t like to experience it because anxiety feels yucky. And it does! The physical symptoms—heart palpitations, sweaty and clammy hands, headaches, or stomach pains—are not fun. The mental symptoms of second guessing, negative scenarios running through our head, or catastrophizing certainly aren’t pleasurable to experience. And yet, I am still advocating that you can flourish with anxiety.
Biologically, anxiety is part of how we’re wired. It’s our built-in alarm system—designed to notice potential threats and prepare us to respond—which is one reason humans have survived and adapted over time. We need it. So why are we afraid of it? Because we want life to feel predictable and controllable, and anxiety reminds us that many parts of life aren’t.
Also, we may get scared when we have to slow down and listen to our bodies. I was talking with a client and her mom the other week and told them, “Our bodies are trying to tell us so many things, but we are not very good listeners. In fact, we are terrible at it!” Being self-aware is the first step to embracing the good that can come from anxiety. Getting to know your body—what it does and how it is telling you that this event which is causing these feelings IS important to you—allows anxiety to work for you, not against you.
As we start to slow down, pause, and notice our bodies, we can share with others that we are, in fact, nervous. When we own our feelings and say them out loud, we have the potential to strengthen our relationships with those around us. Telling your partner that you are feeling nervous about a presentation, letting your parents know you are concerned about them staying by themselves, or revealing to yourself that your bad mood is due to the fact you are stressed about finances, allows loved ones to get to know you better.
Then we have the hardest part of flourishing with anxiety—“letting go.” When we recognize and accept what is and is not in our control, we allow for different questions to be asked and answered. We can reframe and focus on what we can control, thus making our anxiety work for us. By feeling, naming, and letting go, we can use those anxious times to propel us forward—so there is no need to get rid of it, but to embrace it and have it work for us.
